"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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