Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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