just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
