Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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