apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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