I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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