i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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