I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
