people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I die, sorry about rent.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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