Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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