I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
