my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We have so much sex to catch up on
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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