dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
