The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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