Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize