Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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