My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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