i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Buhtt sex?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
