Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
