Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
