And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
