No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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