Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
