Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
