I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
