I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
