It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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