Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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