Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
