I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
