So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
