happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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