the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
