Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
