i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
