Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
