Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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