Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
