fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
