Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my being single is dangerous.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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