cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
