well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
