My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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