Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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