Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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