Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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