the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
