Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
