This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
