you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
