she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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