I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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