one word: firstdatebathroomanal
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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