No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
