does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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