im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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