I hope my margaritas pass through security.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
