drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
