I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
