I'm so fucking centered right now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
