Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
