my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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