I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
