I could make wine with my vomit
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
