i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
