Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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